I wanted to go yoga this morning, but I just couldn't get out of bed. Instead, I woke up two hours later and tried to make pancakes for breakfast. I lost my head somewhere in between and had to throw away the batter. I spent the rest of the day daydreaming, reading; I thought about our inventions and ideas, games and plans. I went to the evening yoga class instead and had an amazing practice. It always gives me a chance to put aside my insecurities, selfishness, and ego to replace it with surrender.
The heat in the room embraces me as I move into different postures. There are days when I find the heat very unwelcome – it’s almost oppressive. In the mornings, the sunbeams spying on us through the windows are a cruel addition to the heat. We start with sun salutations A and B – 5 each, no pausing. I could comment on this seeming contradiction, but I've never thought too closely about it before. Only 15 minutes has passed and already, my body is tearing sweat because of the exertion and the fever of the room. You should be home tomorrow. A week ago you would have convocated. Even before you left, I already knew what I was going to get you as a graduation present. I remember how much you loved my pen set with my initials on it and tomorrow, I would have presented you with one of your own.
We’ve moved passed the standing postures and we’ve flowed into the primary asanas. These are the most peaceful as the body has welcomed the initial pain. Each movement brings a new fluidity and we proceed eagerly to the next. One of my favourites is ardha baddha padma paschimatanasana. In English, it is half bound lotus – west extension posture. I like it because I used to think it was impossible to bind my body in such a way. The day I accomplished this position was exhilarating.
When you left, I knew there would be a shift in our friendship, I didn’t expect that it would be something even more delightful. We only saw each other twice a year – during winter holidays in July and summer breaks for Christmas. Through e-mails and letters, millions of words that travelled across continent and cyberspace, we developed an even stronger friendship – one that we deliriously loved. You have the most magnificent imagination; that imagination allowed you the ability to move through life so colourfully. You made every moment feel like the pause right before the drop of a rollercoaster. I survey the room, filled with characters that I would probably never approach outside the Yoga Loft. We’re all different people, but in this instance we’re connected by our breath. In this space, I am not shy in this group of strangers. We’re completely vulnerable to one another; our bodies are twisted in strange positions, and if not done properly, we look a little ridiculous. In this moment, we’re all the same. There’s no energy left for worries, insecurities and judgement. Social hierarchy, racial segregation, and physical appearance don’t exist in the two hours we spend together.
I miss you. I won’t lie and say there aren’t days when I want to crawl into bed and hide with a bottle of gin…if I knew what gin actually is. This experiment of life continues, but there’s less colour. Kathleen says to take comfort that it hurts because it was so good.
We're in navasana for the fifth time and I'm dying. I rock precariously from one side of my tailbone to the other.When the class exhales, in unison, into padangusthasana, it sounds like the room itself is breathing.
Our joint birthday party is creeping up uncomfortably close. To be honest with you, I'm a little bummed about my birthday. I don't want to celebrate without you and I know you'd be mad at me if I didn't do anything. I just...don't have the heart.
He finds me struggling in janu sirsasana C, one of the poses I wish I could avoid. He firmly presses my knee to the floor and my chin to my shin as visions of a torn meniscus hobble around my head. "Both hands!" he says, when I put an arm out to steady myself. "At least try to do it," he says, and I oblige. It seems like a good lesson, along the lines of "practice and all is coming". Rameen tells us, "Don't waste your body." I promise to uphold tradition and walk during the first snow storm of the year. we've done this for so many years that there are times when we didn't feel the need to talk. We'd enjoy each other's company, enjoy the graffiti the Christmas lights cause on the snow, and listen to the swishing of our winter jackets and the crunching of our shoes. As we grew older, these walks became very short lived because it was much more appealing to sit in the heated car with a mug of hot chocolate and cookies. I can't remember the name of your car. I know it'll come to me, but for the moment, I wish someone else knew. To Rameen, yoga is bridging the connections between the external life and the internal life through the system of Ashtanga yoga. He is fascinating because his life has a wisdom and refinement that appeals to me. And he is happy. Rameen is a happy guy; I wish I were that happy. One time, I asked him for advice. He said, "I don't think meat is healthy for you. I eat a lot of fruit. I think that's important." He also says, "I stay calm. That's very important." But Rameen didn’t tell me how to stay calm. And because of forced transitions in my life, I was a wreck. As I put more concentration towards the physical aspects of my yoga practice, my mentality shifted and I learned the importance of living without judgement, assumption and overreaction.
5 months ago, you were on the mat beside me. I came home and decided to make cookies. I should have learned from my pancake experiment that baking wasn't going to be successful for me today. I made two batch of cookies. One batch had half a cup of salt in it instead of sugar; the other had more chocolate chips and skor bits in it than cookie. I thought about you all day - but I still had a good day. I'll admit that I lost it a little when Coyote Ugly came on tv and the end credits played your song. And I could hear you - Oh, Jawyce! All I can say is, I love you Sawah.
My entire day leads to the moment when I step onto my mat and freeze frame the frenzy. Everything that surrounds me is pushed aside for that moment of moving meditation. We still need to look to other elements for support - but they can only help you so far until you have to start helping yourself. We look too much to the external and not enough at the internal – and for me, that’s it.
I don't know how to post pictures, so I'll just post a link of a t-shirt that I want to share. I covet this t-shirt. http://www.buyolympia.com/q/sid=817679676/Item=readingissexy
Chad, have you ever heard of palmer tees? They have some graphic tee's that are really awesome. There's a "Chad is Rad" shirt and I thought of you. =D
my biggest regret...
My biggest regret was when, for a month, I mixed up the names of two magazines and mistakenly told numerous professors and classmates that my dream job is to write for the National Enquirer.
let's talk about...
On Thursday, before I went to Jack and Lizz's, I needed to go get gas. At Safeway, they sometimes close off one side of the island ( for a reason completely unbeknownst to me) which forced a long lineup of cars waiting on the other end. Now, the side that I was on had one free pump in the middle, but the guy in front of me ( now known as college kid) was pulled up too far for anyone to parallel in. Another car, however, (now known as old bmw) was ambitious enough to try and squeeze in - unsuccessfully. So now, we have college kid unable to leave the pump because stupid old bmw has completely blocked him in. You would think that the solution was obvious but old bmw _refused_ to move because college kid was the "asshole" that pulled up too far and screwed everyone over - "You pulled up too far, you figure it out". Well, college kid's friend and wife of old bmw got out of their respective cars and started arguing about this in the middle of the gas station while the rest of us were sitting in our cars, completely annoyed and a little bewildered. Finally, I got fed up and asked everyone behind me to back up so we could let college kid leave. College kid leaves, and wife of old bmw is absolutely livid that I interfered in _her_ argument and that I was out of line. I told her that I saw a conflict, and I resolved it. What were we supposed to do? Just sit in our cars and listen to it rust while they argue? AND THEN she SPAT on my CAR. I mean, these people are the same age as my parents. I didn't even have time to be appalled because I was in absolute disbelief at what she did. I made a big show of copying down her license plate number and said - that was completely unnecessary, "well, you interfering was completely unnecessary". I recognise that we can't talk about this maturely so I leave to pay for my gas. As I was going into the door, her husband elbows me out of the way, stands in front of the line and turns to me, smirking - "You got something to say to me?" I sighed, looked at him, shook my head and said - no, I'm just really happy that you two found each other.
Oops! thanks Arthur, for catching the typo. the blog is - www.postsecret.blogspot.com
I FOUND MY WATCH!! It fell under my bed while I was asleep. It's so good to have the comfort of time back on my wrist. Ali discovered a new blog that is highly addictive - I recommend that everyone go check it out. www.postsecret.blogpost.com
Difficult Times
I recently discovered a newspaper called Difficult Times. This is a non-profit paper through Amnesty International and I had the good fortune of meeting the staff. It was very refreshing to see people have a passion towards something when our society seems to be falling into a pit of indifference. So, the next time you walk down whyte or go into a coffee shop, take a glance and see if there is an edition of the newspaper out. It's lovely, really. In other news, I had a great day. This is going to sound really cheesy, but there's no greater feeling than just being absolutely content in your setting and your being. I didn't do anything spectacularly out of the ordinary, school (my battle with prof is going to be coming to a close soon), home, took way too long a nap, perused Whyte Ave, and "coffee shop hopped" with Emanuel and Alexis (we started a book club!). There's this guy in my class who always edits my papers ( and I, his) and through our papers, we got to know each other, but we've never spoken to one another. Well today, we finally had a conversation and he may even come to yoga with me. ^_^ Well, it was great having such an array of people sprinkle in and out - thanks for the ride, guys. =)
I can't find my watch. What is this? Are my things taking turns running away from me?
I FOUND MY JOURNAL!!!! Well technically, Jack did.
When I'm upset - I bake. What normal person steals a yacht?
Write Assignment
"And the little prince said to the man - Grownups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always explaining things to them". My parents always gave me the freedom to do anything that they wanted. My dad, who has long dreamed of having another engineer in the family, was generous enough to allow me the liberty of choosing which discipline of engineering I wanted to enter. My mom, being more open minded of the two would settle for Dentistry, Pharmacy or Medicine – and they’re all conveniently located in the same building! It was quite the nasty shock when their math minded daughter needed to take a full year off to finally decide to pursue English as a major with Sociology as a minor. (Well...there's more to the story of why I took a year off, but let's not bring it up...I'll just get needlessly angered.)I will admit, however, that this decision was made after a full year of meandering around University classes. I deluded myself into thinking that all the English courses I was taking were merely for interest and option credits; I was, in fact, really interested in the price fluctuations of watermelon or underwater woven baskets or what have you. This lead to a very unhappy and unfulfilling first Year University experience. Now, I’m completely immersed in the arts faculty, but I wonder, am I truly too Asian to exercise any artistic freedom besides rotating coloured elastic bands on the braces of prepubescent teenagers? How do I escape 20 years worth of stigma towards the elusive Arts Degree?
